And that’s where he came in. You see my husband, David choose what I was to wear to the party. Black sling back 4½” high heels with diamante stra...s, black stockings hold-ups; a red and black sheathe dress off my left shoulder, the hem reaching my knees, but with a dramatic slash almost to the hip on my left leg, a diamante necklace – and that was it -- no underwear. During the past months I’d been into the office without panties and sometimes without any underwear several times; most times, all. ”I decided, what the hell.I nodded in affirmation.“Good, be ready at 7 tomorrow morning, I'll take you with me.”The next morning, I dressed in my usual loose clothes attire, but put on make-up and did my hair nice in a long braid.We stopped on the way to get some breakfast. While I was eating my bagel, my step-mom filled me in.“Okay, you are getting paid, minimum wage, and you will be doing a lot of the grunt work. You know, like filing, organizing supplies, checking readings, maybe even get to. On the other, it lent some credence to the earlier discussion.Calix wanted McTavish to be wrong. In a strange way, he needed the older man to be wrong. Calix was poor; he had never assigned blame for it, it was just a fact of life. It did, however, provide him with a part of his identity; a way to relate to the world. He was poor, others were rich and it was (usually) an us against them conflict. It was extremely convenient to fit the CAP system – and basically the whole Confederacy – into that. Eventually I couldn't deny it, and I blamed myself. Then I blamed the monks, for making me feel this way. And then, when the end came, and Glory took my Dawn away, it was as though a piece of me had been ripped away. I stopped blaming anyone. Because what I feel is so strong, so loving, it has to be right.I tried to tell Giles once what I'd discovered between my "s*ster" and I. I told him it was physical. He didn't get it. And anyway, that barely scratches the surface. That's why I had to die.
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